Evander Kane...

(A fictitious phone call between Sabres GM Darcy Regier and Jets GM Kevin Cheveldayoff.)

*DR takes a sip of his new summer drink, Sex On the Beach as the phone begins ringing on the other end*

KC--Hello, this is Kevin Cheveldayoff, General Manager of the new Winnipeg Jets...I'm unable to answer your call right now so please leave your message.

DR--Uhhh, yeah, Kevin? This is Darcy Regier and we need to talk...

KC--Darcy?

DR--huh?

KC--Ha. Gotcha.

DR--Ummmm...yeah...that's pretty funny, Kev...the old live, leave a message thing.

KC--Yeah, I like to do that every now and again. Haven't heard from you in a while, how's the pina colada's?

DR--Haven't had those in a couple of years, Kev. Yeah, ummm, don't have a lot of time so I'd really like to cut to the chase.

KC--What's on your mind, Darce?

DR--We, and that includes the boss, want Evander Kane.

KC--OK

DR--Are you interested in a trade?

KC--Is Tyler Myers available?

DR--No.

KC--OK. But I really don't think I'd be interested.

DR--Understood. But...ya know, boss-man really likes Evander. And...ya know, when he decides he wants something, he goes after it, money be damned.

*a sense of heightened tension is discernible on the other end*

DR--He really likes Evander and he'd really like to make a trade for him.

KC--But, he's not on the block and we're negotiating a new contract with them right now.

DR--Yeah, I know. But word is you're still pretty far apart and rumors...

KC--Rumors?...Really?...Rumors?

DR--Well this kind of stuff has been festering for nearly a year now.

KC--And what kind of "stuff" are we talking about, Darce?

DR--Well...there's the fans and the dine and dash thing...

KC--A non-issue, Darcy. Been debunked, just some hooligans trying to stir up some trouble.

DR--Sure, Kevin, that happens. But, ya gotta admit, something's amiss. It would seem as if he's...ummm...that the Winnipeg fans are really scrutinizing him.

KC--He's a star player Darce, of course that happens.

DR--Anyhow. Let's forget about the Kane vs. the haters in Winnipeg thing.

KC--There's no "thing," Darce. Nothing to it.

DR--Kevin. When a headline reads, Kane entitled to rights as a citizen, something's not right. There just seems to be a lot of acrimony. Some may even say--and let's be clear, I'm not one of them--that there may be some racial overtones involved.

KC--I don't think there's any truth to that.

DR--Even though the author had to shut down the comments section? Your star is black, ya know.

KC--I'd prefer African-Canadian, Darce. And besides, why would we want to trade him? We're looking long term.

DR--It seems as if he wants to be traded, Kevin.

KC--No truth to that. Don't believe the tweets.

DR--They go back to last fall, Kevin. Gotta be something there, you know, smoke, fire.

KC--Nothing there last year and nothing there this year.

DR--Somethin's not right. Been a lot of this stuff going on recently.

KC--Tweety-birds, Darce. Tweety-birds. Social media is a scourage. Kane is ready to sign here for a number of years, despite the percieved "fishbowl existence." He will be a Jet for a long time despite the rumors that the city doesn't like him. We like him, he's a big part of our future.

DR--Well, Kevin, not if we have any say.

KC--You don't, Darce. No Myers, no jumping off point.

DR--Well then, this is just to let you know that if we cannot work out a trade, the Buffalo Sabres are prepared to offer-sheet Kane.

KC--Oh really?

DR--Yes. Really.

KC--This is not you Darcy. Never thought I'd hear that from you. Have you forgotten about the Vanek sheet.

DR--No, I haven't. And no, this is not how I would do things, but boss-man doesn't have any ties to Vanek, nor does he really care how he gets players, he wants them, has the money to pay them and is willing to pay well over market price.

KC--That's pretty rough, Darce.

DR--Sorry. You know my contract's up this fall, eh?

KC--No I didn't.

DR--Boss-man wants something done this off season. He signed off on the Doan contract offer and he's willing to sign off on this one as well...We'll be offering Evander a sizable contract. One that will out-do recent signings. You're boy with the Free Press got it all wrong. Kane doesn't need to take your offer, there's always plenty of time for an offer sheet, and let me tell ya, Kev, it'll be a whopper. If your owners are gonna match, it'll cost 'em.

KC--So you're going higher than Tavares? Skinner? And Taylor Hall as well.

DR--You are correct.

KC--You're crazy.

DR--See Shane Doan.

KC--You know our owners will match. The only thing this would do would be piss them off, as well as the rest of the league.

DR--Well, I did come to you first with a trade in mind.

KC--Fine. What are you offering?

DR--Thomas Vanek, Luke Adam and either Andrej Sekera or 2nd round pick this year plus a mid-level prospect.

KC--That's not even close to Tyler Myers.

DR--It's not supposed to be.

KC--It's not enough. We'll wait for the offer-sheet.

*click*